Aught, no. 15 (2006)
Urban Affairs
We approve of intersections but are opposed to streets in general.
Alleyways and dead ends should be paved over with mountains.
Instead of stop signs, the shadow of a dog, or a hybrid beast with the body
of a whale and the
head of a turkey.
Out with mayors, in with majordomos.
We prefer aldermen to councilmen, but what we really need are chickens.
Illegal immigrants are taking our jobs. Soon they will take our employers, electrocute
their
genitals, and eat their children.
We have too many potholes. They should be filled with violets, or ideas.
The Department of Children and Family Services is a front for genetic engineers;
they are turning
our orphans to lemurs.
Schools are overcrowded. Forty-five pigeons in one classroom: not a proper
learning
environment.
Landlords have united in their efforts to keep porches from jumping off buildings.
Porches are
unhappy. They are lining up to collect unemployment. Traffic has
never been worse.
Our children have no parks to play in. They play in sewers and eat bleach.
A new initiative on the ballot: replace teachers with fire-hydrants, eliminate
the need for air-
conditioning.
Illegal immigrants are invading our culture. Soon they will invade our libraries.
Coffins are fleeing the cemetery. They are sick of housing the dead.